| 160 |
[19 Jan 2011|02:10am] |
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"Hands up, got my eyes facing down. I'll show where the tears come down." Sometimes, I'm a very bad person. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
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| 159. |
[07 Jan 2011|01:19pm] |
I had almost forgotten this dear little world existed.
Sad.
Do you ever stop and look back at all the things that have passed? You turn just to glance, but instead get caught up on catching yourself up to how it all happened this way.
At the commencement of each year, we tend to revisit the past. The mark of the new year also marks a glimmering new chapter in our lives, and a new chance to try to do things a different way. I have decided for myself this year, to stop complaining...so much ;)There is always a list longer than the ocean is wide, of things I know I need to change/fix/improve. So each year I try to cross a couple more off that list. The biggest for me recently, is my attitude.
Oh, you may think that I am oblivious, but I know what I am. I am incredibly selfish. I have become more so upon being able to have my own place and have things the way I want them. I have become terribly negative. I have noticed myself to dwell on the gray and allow my own self to sink into gloom and despair. I have realized that any unhappiness I experience is somewhat, if not completely my own fault. So, since I want to be happy again, I need to fix myself. Quick.
One last thing.
Last year, I lost 3 amazing people in my life. Three. This world is in such a drought of wonderful people, that you don't want to lose any one that you find. Sometimes, after all you try to do, the ball is just left in their court and there is nothing left to do but wait...and realize that if they never re-enter your life, they left you with beautiful memories and good strong lessons. Though, you will probably still shed a tear from time to time.
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| 158. |
[05 Mar 2009|05:28pm] |
It clicks forward.
An honest purpose,
and we should honor it's wishes.
I pose to mimic
the traits I admire.
One hand here,
one there.
I spill forward,
to fill my hopes and dreams,
why go back to holding them captive?
Now that I'm hung here,
exposed for your selfish motives
I ask that you give me nothing-
give me my nothing.
I am only here to be a reminder
that time only goes on.
The more you force my hands to go back,
the more likely you'll just break me.
Let me forget.
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| 157. |
[05 Mar 2009|05:18pm] |
Design for me a method,
that I may use when my own thoughts
declare mutiny.
When stepping off this building
conflicts with my schedule.
Create for me a trapdoor,
so I may become invisible
at the drop of a hat.
In waves that crash too high,
I desire the option to
drown myself into the calm below.
Why can't I?
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| 156. |
[24 Feb 2009|06:21pm] |
(Pretty much an update for Amy, Steph, Tara or anyone else I haven't been able to talk to)
I think that I get more pleasure out of creating sentences, than I do with any other habit of mine. My fingertips itch to type in the URL of any site in which I may ramble on and on in text form. Why is this?
My problem lies in targeting which thoughts will be amusing to an audience. Which thoughts I can put onto my website and excerise proper use of my best taken photographs and most interesting phrases. I know I can be interesting, but I am interesting enough to ever make anything of it?
I had blood taken from me today. Funny, when I say that I get this little image of a cartoon bandit clad in black and white stripes. I see this tiny figure in my mind grasping a vile of my body's red juice and running for the hills... It didn't happen as such. There was more fake politeness of the nurse, minor pain in piercing my vein, and the slight loss of feeling in my hand as my blood cells escaped their small prison.
I've also been stressed out lately. Several issues. One, a select few people I work with. They spread lies like syrup over pancakes. They always seem to work at the same time, which has turned what used to be my favorite place to visit into an atmosphere I avoid. Two, I don't feel like I get enough things done in my free time. When I finally have a day off, my schedule has a pencil-ed line up of things that I need done. Regardless of how vital these things are, the only thing I want to do on my day off is sleep late, eat out and dream of getting into my car to drive far away... All of which, cost me dearly in some shape or form.
Boys, for once in my life, are the last thing I'm worried about. No one is really causing me trouble. Well... There are some trying to get back into my life. You know, the ones you hated to seperate yourself from, but you knew better than to spend more time, get more attached and ulitmately have to pry yourself painfully away from, due to your conflicting paths in life... But they reappear, when you are unsuspecting and deffenseless. At which point, your loneliness has convinced you that you can continue a "meaningless fling" with no feelings attached... right.
Then there is the one whom you can imagine a relationship with, and whom you have thought about for quite a while. It's been slow developing, which is wonderful. Only one thing is missing, and you know it isn't a little thing. You push doubts out of your mind. He contacts you and your heart flutters. When you see him, everything is perfect. And cute. But despite the fact that he tells you he really likes you, and treats you like your his in public, and made a point to be with you during a romantic holiday... you don't speak much between the spread out encounters. He blames work and school. You blame his still mending heart.
Ah and the one you are friends with, and comfortable with, but that has only resulted in intoxicated encounters of... fun. Clean fun. You are near each other so often, people swear you're a couple, and although you would probably make a good one, it's not what you really want. A nice little temptation though.
Then, there's the one that I almost didn't mention. Mere mention allows yourself to entertain too much of a thought. A thought that will sadly remain only that... A thought. A whisper. From time to time -when you think of meeting the right person- his apparition floats into your mind. You've already been over this with him- so you disregard your brief, sweet history. You wish there was another option but, it's just better that way.
Eck and the one who you adored. Most likely the reason you can't follow through with any other male. Romantic things ended suddenly over a year ago, and so did the wonderful friendship. Now, after much time and healing, your circles mix. So do your feelings. Most of which you can push aside, even in cases that may hint of his interest in another girl. However, you can't completely lie to yourself of how much deep searing pain would onset at the actual sight of these suspicions being true. You are friends. Just friends... Friends who know too much about each other and play with eachothers heads.
Okay I lied. Still a lot of boy trouble, that I have gotten myself into. But I swear, 80% of the time, I forget they even breathe on the same planet.
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| 155. |
[26 Jan 2009|04:13am] |
What a wonderful world.
My weekend started Thursday with Tara and the Brick. Flew into Friday for Alexandras birthday with special guest, Amy. Cascaded into a beautiful time with many incredible people on Saturday and finaled with a motivating church service, good work day and riveting game of Apples to Apples on Sunday. What more could one want, i wonder. The answer is nothing.
I wish I could suspend this weekend forever in time.
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| 154. |
[19 Jan 2009|01:30pm] |
If it's broke, fix it.
Life is all about pick and choose. Pick your battles, choose your shirt. This just tells me that we can’t have it all. In this world of limited funds, that saves me tremendous pressure. It tells me to focus on what is most important to achieve, and anything else that comes along is a bonus. So, I have decided to be on a budget.
Budget is a commonly negative term. It indicates problems, problems equal frowns, and -what more can I say- frowns are just bad. So here’s an uncommon fact: budgets aren’t so bad. Sadly, some of us must be forced to use them to see clearly, the purpose that they serve. There are other types of budget, where money is only a microscopic aspect, factoring in only as an effect of following (or not following) the budget. The alternate budgets include: an emotion budget and a time budget.
An emotional, is what you decide to do with your feelings. Recently, I had an interaction with Sarah. These dirty little things, rumours, have been circling her concerning her performance at work. Much to my dismay, I was unsuspectingly dragged into this messy little ring of gossip. Precia had misinterpreted things that I had said, as well as creating things never uttered by my lips- thus resulting in quite a reaction from my friend. Unfortunately, in some situations despite your relationship to these Sarahs- they choose to believe the Precias. This leaves two people, Sarah and myself, grasping for options to the pain. I decided to stop worrying about it- create an emotional budget to allow only certain circumstances to have my stress. After all, you can never change a person’s mind. You can only try to help them see your view. Alas, they will never be your eyes.
So there is also the budget of time. Do you complain that you are working too much? After the prior complaint, do you realize that you only work 40 hours a week, so where do the other 128 go? And if you sleep 8 hours a night, what are you doing with the still remaining 72 hours? We complain about losing people, but evidently, the average working person can afford a hour or two a day to email and catch up with people. Stop ignoring the numbers. Be aware and fix it, if you really want it fixed. Otherwise you just enjoy a good complain session. 72 hours a week.
Budgets are the existing limits, put into an understandable form for the individual person. Following that, is a choice you must make. Knowing and acknowledging your limits will help you to decide when enough is enough. It answers the question of, “do I need this?”. I believe that it changes with your growing age and wisdom. I denied needing a budget of any sort, until I was 21. I had limits that changed with the circumstances- which aren’t really limits at all. Now, I test myself constantly, giving myself practical limits on everything. When you are conscious of your limits, you are also conscious of when they are met, and where you fall short. I guess it just all depends on how much better of yourself that you want to become? Will you allow you allow yourself to be helped?
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| 153. |
[15 Jan 2009|01:32am] |
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Oh, and just a PS. I'm quite glad that Amy is about the only soul person who actually reads these damn blurbs of my life. It relinquishes the pressure. Yay! Drinks on the house... Cheers!
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| 152. |
[15 Jan 2009|01:29am] |
Fact Fact: it took me three tries to spell, "livejournal.com" and another two attempts to write my login... lol
What a good night. Some stores in my district started a starbucks bowling league, and despite the fact that i had a score of 22 my first game and 77 my second, i am going to continue trying in the league for our next 10 weeks. I'm lovin it... But not in the McDonalds way- because i do not like fast food so much anymore...
i miss amy. buts shes goonna be here in two weeks. I'm lovin it.
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| 151. |
[13 Jan 2009|03:46pm] |
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I have my Mr. Big- at the point in which he and Aiden got along, and he was Carrie's dear friend. I just don't have an Aiden. But that's alright :)
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| 150. |
[13 Jan 2009|03:23pm] |
While out with my friends last night, trying to enjoy a late evening of pool, a most entertaining twist developed. My friends, especially Ray and Ricardo, thought it was comedic- as I just felt uneasy.
This guy had been watching me across the room, and I tried to ignore it- afterall, I'm not out to meet anyone. He eventually befriended both of my guy friends, and at one point they were discussing something which caused them to both turn around and giggle at me.
The voluble young man proceeded to make his way over to where Lissette and I were standing. He invaded my conversation, guarding himself with a safe little introductory phrase, "Please don't slap me, but...". That immediately defeated it's original purpose, for it put me on the deffensive, fearing what action he was brave enough to practice after that lame sentence.
" You look just like Tinkerbell... Can I take a picture with you?"
He received a couple photos worth of my arm politely around him, and my blushing cheeks. Hope he was happy.
I kept my amused friends at a close length for the remainder of my uncomfortable night, impatiently anticipating the bill and an evasion of his courageous come-ons and mostly inaudible blabbing of his involvement in the Navy Seals and it's beer-fests.
The end didn't come soon enough, and I headed my crew towards the car, their giggles still trailing behind me and my tense fists.
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| 149. |
[10 Jan 2009|04:13am] |
Some of my new favorite quotes:
"Another day, no raping. Whew, thank God." - Frank; making fun of the way I always tell him he'll get raped if he takes the trash out of the store past dark( which is due to the fact that we are not ALLOWED to do so).
In a text to my mom: "I want a trampoline!"
In her text back to me: "Jump on your bed."
Lines to laugh your day by...if you're me ;)
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| 148. |
[08 Dec 2008|03:54am] |
Why I love Sex & the City ( part 1):
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| 147. |
[08 Dec 2008|03:29am] |
Sex and the City is my new drug.
As I settled into my couch with my tea, and my faithful little puppy, I found a glorious pleasure in spending time with myself, and some newfound friends; Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte.
Sitcoms are fascinating to their viewers for one main reason. It is entertaining, and relieving to be an onlooker to someone else's life. You live vicariously through their treasured moments, and are thankful to only be watching their dismays.
Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free( My mother says.)? Instead of copeing with our own stress, and risking ourselves to relish in happiness, we get to sit back and relax while someone else travels life in front of us. It's quite a good break.
This is also why I hate movies that end in tragedy. Message in a Bottle, and Nights in Rodanthe- while quite impressive films- portray the "horridities" that we already have to cope with in real life. Movies and Tv should provide an oasis from reality. Allow us to hope for the best, and allow our minds to hang on to possibly an unrealistic - but not impossible- idea that miracles, and included in that, love, really does exist.
Now, back to my main point, Carrie and Mr. Big have me head over heels. Their rollercoaster romance involves realistic problems. They break up over real-life issues, and in the same hand find each other down the road. I can relate to some pieces of it, and so it gives me hope. Don't we all need a little hope these days? We live our lives in our minds, so why not take control of how we see things.
I believe in faerie tales. I will not settle for anything less than a happy ending.
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| 146. |
[08 Dec 2008|03:16am] |
I hate having feelings and emotions.
And that I can't let so many things go.
Why am I so sentimental when it comes to everything?
So, on my journey of growing up, I'm learning.
I am so afraid of having anything with a guy. It always starts out fun. I keep them at an arm's length. Yet something happens to draw two unaware souls together, whenever quality time is shared.
I hate telling my friends about any sort of small/big relationship, because I hate the fact that I seem to go through so many people. Especially when it's all temporary. People get hurt every time.
I can't help but feel like an awful person. My only way to keep myself from hurting someone when I feel like it's getting too personal, is to stop talking to them. Which causes bitterness. Only a few friendships have been saved.
Truth, I want to be held. To share my time and life. When I can't find the right person, I let myself enter into a "thing" with someone I know isn't right for me. And there's nothing wrong with these people. In fact, I hate to utter this; I am a brilliant people collector. Not that I am brilliant, because I am so far off. I like brilliant, radiant people. When I meet one, I want to keep them in my life. It just so happens that I feel like the only way to keep one of these amazing people is to spend time with them. I become an addict and then the attachment settles in. Before I'm aware of what'a happening, I have to fight my every desire and tear myself away- ulitmately hurting myself and even worse, the other person.
Why can't amazing people just spend time together?
Can't it happen without any physical desire overcoming their best interests?
Can I just stop my emotions? Not allow myself to indulge in the not-so-platonic friendships that occur?
I feel like a monster. My trembling hands hate to record these thoughts, but in my mind I feel like just maybe, they will read these terrible words and stay away from a person like me.
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| 145. |
[04 Dec 2008|05:39am] |
Each time you figure something out, you feel so much better.
Sharing that something, is even better.
Happy to know, I'm growing up- a little bit at a time.
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| 144. |
[29 Nov 2008|05:09am] |
Some nights just can't be put into words, how great they were.
I have to pee. Good night!
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| 143. |
[21 Nov 2008|06:25pm] |
My list.
1. Create mood playlists.
2. Plan out my month, ahead of time.
3. Schedule and actually go to, the doctor.
4. Stop putting myself in bad spots.
5. Listen to someone else.
6. Photograph again.
7. Save 200 a month.
8. Travel: NYC, Cruise, San Fran, Canada, Africa
9. Learn all there is to know about Soccer and FIFA
10. Go to Becky's wedding without a care in the world.
11. Stick with this friends only thing. No kisses.
12. Be honest with my boss.
13. Energetically perform to the best of my ability at work.
14. Fix my car.
15. Start going to a Bible Study.
16. Go blonde.
17. Take my time in life.
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| 142. |
[21 Nov 2008|06:15pm] |
So, my chiropractor tells me that my back is tighter than it has ever been. People have told me that I carry my stress in my shoulders. My shoulders are very knotted now-a-days. SO I guess that means I'm stressed.
I started to wonder about this vague address to stress. I mean, I've been so happy lately- right? I worry about the dumbest things. No, really, the dumbest. I've also been trying this new thing lately, being honest with myself. This is what I've found:
I'm a control freak. Mostly over my life. I don't trust anyone else with it.
When I lose control of something, I freak out. And, my shoulders get tight.
Easy solution would be to not let myself get bothered, but it's hard. I have been making a constant effort to do what boys find so easy so often. Pretending something doesn't matter. Pushing it out of my head. Telling myself I'm an emotionless robot. Thinking of something else. And it works fine, until I am faced with that problematic issue face-to-face...
I don't, I repeat DON'T want any men in my life. Appetizers or main-courses, nothing. I want to starve myself, until I forget what food tastes like. Now, just because I don't want them, doesn't mean I can't be tempted... so don't even tempt me. Leave me alone like I have AIDS.
I want to concentrate on organizing my life. My job. My family. My friends. My car, for crying out loud. Put my needs before my wants. I've been so LAZY lately, and lack such motivation. It must end.
Stay away, boys. I'll just hurt you in the end...
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| 141. |
[11 Nov 2008|04:03am] |
This is No Longer My Game.
We are all lifting stones and pebbles,
Awaiting a glimpse of what may lay.
Peering through doors, before our footsteps,
Hoping to find all but decay.
In all the wrong places, the obvious faces
I've searched each smile in high hopes-
Each circumstance more tiring and pointless,
Fumbling for someone to teach me the ropes.
Finally I've decided
To ignore those who've chided,
And let the pieces fall as they may.
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